Did I have depression? I questioned myself a lot as I was not clinically diagnosed. But the answer is still a yes. In fact, everyone is facing a different level of depression and other mental health issues. There is no use arguing if you are professionally diagnosed. Most importantly, we need to seek help if we are aware that we are not mentally okay. I regretted that I did not seek help immediately and it took me a long time to accept that I had depression and to heal myself. My first touchpoint of the knowledge of depression was through the internet. I studied the knowledge when I realised that there was something wrong with me physically and mentally.
My story started from insomnia and fatigue. I was working in a family business. There were lots of responsibilities and stress. Not only the work but also shared responsibilities with my parents. I had difficulties falling asleep every night after four months of work. I felt fatigued all the time but my mind and body were restless. I thought it was just normal stress fatigue from work. However, I started seeing and feeling many symptoms.
I used to be optimistic. I was great at turning a negative mindset into a positive one. At some point in time, I became pessimistic and hopeless about every event. I felt worthless and always blamed myself for everything. I had insomnia but I slept for long hours sometimes. Eventually, I had trouble concentrating, making decisions, I lost interest in everything even to those that I was passionate about. I lost my appetite and was very emotional and easily irritated. The feeling of emptiness was huge. My friend who is a psychologist asked me have I ever had suicidal thoughts. I paused. I was clueless until I found that I did and wanted to when I read my past journal.
I did nothing when I found that I had those symptoms. I denied it at first. I rejected to accept the truth that I was weak in mind and strength. I did not want to seem like a “loser”. I did not tell my family members as I did not want to worry them. I thought that I would recover naturally after a while but the scenarios lasted for more than six months. I broke into pieces. I cried uncontrollably all night for no reason. My body would become numb after a few seconds of crying. Every time, I felt there was a string in my brain pulling my nerves to make me feel the pains. The pain of my unknown emotion and feelings. Every night was a nightmare. However, I put on a poker mask during work and even at home. This made things worse. My cry became more uncontrollable. Finally, I accepted that I had depression and I took a pause from life.
It took me a long time deciding to start this blog to share my experience with depression and my recovery journey. I decided to do so as I see the increasing mental health cases around me. I have many friends from different regions of the world, diverse backgrounds and educational levels. Many of us are suffering from depression and other mental health issues such as anxiety, PTSD and bipolar. Mental health has become a worldwide humanitarian crisis.
I am lucky enough to meet so many wonderful people and mentors who are willing to support me throughout the recovery process. I am not a psychologist nor a therapist. However, it is a sharing for the people out there who are suffering from different levels of mental health issues. You are not alone in this fight. If you are ready, please reach out. First, to the help that is nearest to you. A person who is ready to listen to you. Here, I would love to eradicate the loneliness inside you by sharing my experience.
Check out the links below for symptoms of depression and more information about depression:
World Health Organisation – Depression fact sheet
National Institute of Mental Health (U.S) – Mental Health Information
If you feel that you would love to share your experience or to connect, drop me an email at hello@ruyiteh.com
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